Tanith's Spell Casting Blog
Answers to Life's Daily Dilemmas - 3 |
| Posted by Tanith on Aug 02 2008 at 8:20 AM |
| Tanith's Spell Casting Blog >> Tanith |
To continue the subject of yesterday's post, I thought I would add a little extra comment, concerning a query from a client that I answered a few days ago. It concerned some problems she was having with a lady at her place of work, somebody she had tried so hard to help, and yet when she said she felt she could help no further, the lady gave her a lot of grief and upset and accused her of not caring.
Here is my reply to that query. I have edited it slightly for this very public post, and all names and possible means of identification have been removed, to ensure the client's confidentiality.
Regarding your problems concerning the woman you were trying to help with her problems - sweetheart, it is NOT YOU. It truly is not. It is simply human nature. The more you bend over backwards to try to help somebody, over and above normal help, the more you end up in the firing line. It is because when you don't set boundaries, then people simply expect you to solve all their problems for them immediately, and when you don't, in their eyes you have "failed" them and it is "your fault". And even more so when you eventually do draw the line and say no more.
This is not to say that you should not be compassionate - of course you should. But you have to learn to be compassionate to YOURSELF before you can be compassionate to others. You are just as important as they are, remember that. You can be kind and loving and compassionate, but you must also set boundaries. You don't become a doormat and nor do you allow them to blackmail you emotionally. Your time is special to you, as well as to them. And that applies to everyone - your family included. Once you set fair boundaries, you do all you can to help that person within a certain timeframe - whatever timeframe you have set, be it an hour, a day, a month, a year, whatever - and then you cut off and go and do something else for yourself. You literally let go and move on. You don't let anyone take you over.
The only exception to this rule is a genuine emergency of course.
People can be rude to me too - sometimes it takes my breath away. Anyone who works in a client service-orientated environment gets the same, be it as a counsellor, a Samaritan, a psychic, a telephone help desk or even on the customer service of Marks & Spencers! But I don't let it become personal - I just let it go and try to understand that the person is in great emotional pain. I don't dislike them or hate them for it - they have no power over my emotions because I just let it pass and do not respond. If I do this, 9 times out of 10 they will write again and apologise for their words.
So - let it go. Her reactions are HER problem, not yours. You did all you could and that is enough.
Meditation would help you greatly. Are there any Buddhist meditation classes in your area? You don't have to be a Buddhist to attend, most are open to all people from all walks of life. I suggest Buddhist meditation simply because many of these ideas of valuing yourself, and being compassionate towards yourself as well as others, are included in the meditations. There is one called the Loving Kindness meditation, whereby you start in meditation by sending yourself healing, peace and kindess, then you spread outwards to somebody you love, then again outwards to your family, then outwards towards other people you know, and so on. It is so beautiful. I often do it, and end up feeling so at peace with the world afterwards, much stronger, able to cope. Rather than a religion, as one eminent lama, with good experience of the west, has recently said, "Buddhism is a science of mind - the oldest, most developed and tested, that there is."
Sometimes too I have to turn down a client's request because I feel unable to help them, especially if they are unstable or I just know it is not the right thing to do at that time. Again I can get called hurtful for this - but in my view it is much better to say "no" if you know you cannot help. There are times when we must say no to protect others as well as ourselves. Would you buy a bottle of whisky for an alcoholic, however much he begged? No, you would not. It may hurt him, it may hurt you in saying no because he will most likely lash out at you in anger and call you names, but it is the right thing to do at the time.
I hope this has helped you, my dear friend. None of us can get it right for others all the time, however hard we may try. The trick is to look at your own intentions. Intention is everything. If your intention was to help, even if it did not work out exactly as you thought it would, then you have done all you could and you can be at peace. Other peoples' reactions are their own responsibility. Compassion does not mean being a doormat and saying "yes" all the time. Compassion and loving kindness does sometimes mean saying "no", kindly and gently, for the good of all concerned.
Take care and much love, Tanith x
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